I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
