God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
