He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
