Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize