The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
