I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
