She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
