That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
someone owes me an orgasm
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
