I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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