maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
