I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
