i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
