You're so nebulous sometimes
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
