Your mouth is God's brothel.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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