We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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