the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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