Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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