I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
