can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
