Do you still have your period?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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