I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
