he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
