Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
