While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
