Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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