so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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