five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
