im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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