im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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