Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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