this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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