this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
