Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
