Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
