just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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