I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
