I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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