My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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