then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
