Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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