a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
