8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
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