***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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