We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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