remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
