at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
