Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
