Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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