my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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