I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I think I am morally bankrupt
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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