I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
