i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
