I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Too much gin, very little bucket
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
