he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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