have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
