He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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