Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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