I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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