She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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