Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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