I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
