its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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