Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
